I’m back and this time it’s personal

The month of December is upon us all, well those of us that use the Gregorian calendar anyway. As is the way in Britain the temperature has plummeted and the wind and rain have picked up making people miserable and cold. I suppose that’s way non religious people celebrate Christmas so much, because if they didn’t they’d go mad this time of year because of the weather. Saying this, I quite like winter as a season.

As it’s been rather a long time since I last staggered blurry eyed into the strange world that is my blog, so I thought it high time that I get on with some blogging – like the good old days. Although I did have excuses lined up for my recent absences, I have since forgotten them – it appears that my memory is not what it once was, that and my true lack of motivation of late. An example of this is the fact that I wrote the first paragraph about a week ago and have only just decided to finish it.

Now, after a another pause in writing I’m back once again. This time I’m in the learning center at university at 23:00 on a Sunday night because if I’d stayed in my house I would have had to kill myself. I swear to any and all deities that I haven’t felt this truly upset in a very all time, if ever. All of this has come about because my ex (who has the room next to mine, bad move right?) has bought a guy round and the walls are very thin – surely I don’t have to explain further do I? It’s probably just my completely fucked head and only wanting anything that I can’t have or maybe it’s the fact that she left me and I didn’t want it end. Thankfully my housemates have stood by me, with reassuring texts such as: “The door is locked right?” Not their fault, after all not too long ago it was I that keeping people awake with her. Wow the psychological profile sure is starting to take shape isn’t it.

Of course all of this centers around one of my biggest flaws, that being my utter inability to form social, or any other kind of attachments with anybody. I spend most of last year complaining on my blog that I never went out with mates, but whenever the opportunity arose I’d decline and go back to being bored as fuck. It’s the same with women, oh by golly is it you ask? I’d never have guessed. I’m not one of these types that enjoys the chase and then gets bored once I succeed, I’m the other type – the one never has the courage the even ask, and even if by some miracle I stop being single the only thing I want then is be what I don’t like being. Perhaps that’s it, perhaps I just don’t like being. When I search for happiness and get it, it suddenly becomes what makes me miserable.

Well I’m going to end it there and go find a drink with a very high alcohol content. Not that I expect that any of you got this far with calling me a winy asshole and getting back to what you were doing, and honestly I don’t care I just wanted to write this all down

CraigE