I thought that for once I’d break tradition and actually put out a post in time for my weekly deadline, having missed it for the post several months. Also today’s post breaks the new found tradition of being all about me, instead today I’m going to post the first one and half chapters of the book that I’m trying but failing to write. It’s a fantasy story in the style of Terry Pratchett rather than J.R.R Tolkien, so it’s supposed to be funny but probably isn’t. I’m putting it up because I’ve come to stalemate and need the motivation to continue so to that point I want some feedback, can be harsh because I know it needs improving.
Moravia
There was something strange in the air around the City of Moravia and had been for a few while now, but no one seemed to notice or care. No one except for Ellesmere, but whenever he mentioned it people would simply ignore him to tell him to shut up and go away. It wasn’t that Ellesmere was untrustworthy or a con-artist, these would require some degree of skill or intelligence neither of which were his strongest attributes, it was simply that he was rather foolish at times. This has been made obvious to almost all those around him, for example; when he was small boy he declared to everyone that the end of the world was coming, only to later discover that it was in fact just that his calendar had come to an end. Ellesmere was generally a good hearted and kind person, but was more often than not bewildered by the world him.
Moravia itself was awash with industry and marvellous inventing minds, making it the jewel of the region. The masters of invention were the minds working in the Academy of Minds of Magic at the centre of the city; these brilliant minds were always producing more complex and impractical solutions to relatively simple problems. However no one ever seemed to begrudge them this because at least they were keeping busy and on the whole were well meaning. Smoke and explosions constantly arose from the Academy’s courtyards, although in truth these were nothing more than purposely made smoke and explosions by the older and wilier scientists and magicians of the academy in order to make themselves look busy so that no one would ask them for help with anything. It’s not that they were lazy; it’s they were old, very old; in fact they were the oldest surviving people in the city because of brilliant advances in medicine had prolonged their lives. Some of younger and more adventurous scientists would often question this behaviour and for that they were exiled to the academy’s labyrinth-like administration offices to sort mail and lick stamps. The administration offices are very well staffed these days.
Ellesmere however was not a brilliant scientist or magician by any stretch of any imagination that has ever existed. He had once applied to the Academy but during his inaugural experiment he accidently ended up turning half of the city’s population into singing goats just as the neighbouring yeti horde arrived for their annual assault on the city and its people.
And so Ellesmere failed to get the placement at the Academy just like he failed to get work at any other respectable organisation, thankfully in a modern city like Moravia there were plenty of unrespectable organisations that were less meticulous about a person’s intellectual misgivings. Of course these groups generally operated in that strange grey area of the law which in most cases would require constant watch by law enforcement personnel, however the city’s soldiers were normally occupied trying to locate the jam that was always reported stolen from Duke Ivan’s pantry. In fact nothing was ever stolen from the Duke’s castle, and the truth was that the Duke didn’t like to admit that he ate too much and so would eat the jam in secret and then report it stolen in the morning. This had been going on for several years now and as such Duke Ivan was rather on the large side and because of the constant consumption of large amounts of sugar he was mostly a gibbering maniac. This had become a problem, however during one of his more deranged moments he appointed a garden gnome to the position of Steward of the City. It wasn’t long before this was exploited by someone or something, and in fact the current Steward is actually a redheaded midget called Katric wearing a rather poorly made garden gnome costume.
So this was the city in which Ellesmere was born, dropped on his head and raised. An outside observer might think that, despite his clumsy nature, he was the in fact one of the few sane people living within the city. This observer would be pretty much on the money. Saying this it was happy city and things moved along the same way that they had for many years, however something was happening within the city; something that hadn’t really happened in living memory. Change was upon the horizon. Change was not a common thing in Moravia, due largely because people in charge always fear change. In fact change was feared so much that the word had been removed from the local dictionary encase someone read and acted upon it. The only people that wanted change were those stuck in the Academy of Mind and Magic’s administration offices; however they knew what they were getting themselves in for.
Change
Ellesmere was, as usual, spending his evening in the bar of the Pixie and Patrick – partly because he rather enjoyed his ale, but mainly because Lord Katric had introduced an extra two hours in the day which were by law set aside for being drunk and happy. Lord Katric was very popular because of this. It made the people happy, the bar owners happy but happiest of all were the manufacturers of hangover remedies.
Ellesmere was already deep into his drinking britches by the time that his friends Alexis and Losco walked in to join him. Alexis and Losco were Ellesmere’s best friends in the city and they got on well, especially when drinking. They’d all been friends since Ellesmere stumbled into Pixie and Patrick about two years ago and bought everyone a drink, a sure-fire method of making friends in any city. They met up almost every day in order to drink and make outrageous claims about what they’d do differently if they were in power and how they’d spend all the money such power brings. Of course the likelihood of anyone entrusting these three with any sort of power was quite frankly more laughable than being tickled by the Giant Feathered Geebee Bird, largely because the three of them were not exactly brilliant at anything of any real use.
After roughly ten pints of the bar’s strongest ales, Ellesmere raised his eyes above his glass (after some effort) and looked around him, something seemed to be very odd indeed. After another considerable piece of effort he turned to Alexis and Losco, “Is it just me, or is it rather quiet in here?” he asked. The others looked up blurry eyed from their own glasses, “You know, it kinda is” slurred Losco. Little did the group realise it, but in fact the entire bar was completely silent and everyone was seemingly stock still. In truth the bar had ceased all movement roughly an hour ago but the group had been far too drunk to notice, the local brew tended to have this effect on people.
After a minute of two Ellesmere examined the nearest patron, “What the hell is going on here?” he asked, “Everyone’s frozen solid”. By this point Alexis had finally stumbled to her feet, “They can’t be, it must be the drink messing with you” she said. “No, he’s right” yelled Losco, whilst he smashed a bar stool over the head of the nearest city banker. “But how?” asked Ellesmere. They wondered outside to see if anyone else had noticed, but they hadn’t due to the fact that everyone else was in a similar situation to those within the bar. “Right! What the hell is going on here?” yelled Ellesmere.
They walked the streets of the city for about an hour, coming across everyone that they’ve ever seen frozen on the spot like statues. The fact that everyone was frozen provoked different reactions from the three; Ellesmere was gobsmacked, Losco was strangely excited and Alexis was far too drunk to form a coherent opinion about anything at this time. Although, the positions that some of the people were frozen in would have made the world’s most humourless man howl with laughter. It was time for the three to create a plan, “Let’s go to the castle and steal some real expensive junk” suggested Losco. “Let’s just go and get another drink” hic-cupped Alexis. “No, we have to find out what’s going on around here” demanded Ellesmere. After knocking they’re heads together, the others agreed with Ellesmere and they decided to head to the Academy of Minds and Magic.
After a brief stop to steal the wallet of a particularly unpopular debt collector, the three arrived at the Academy of Minds and Magic only to find that it too seemed completely void of any movement. The Academy Standard was frozen in the air, there was even an explosion caught in the time freeze and this really caught all three pairs of drunken eyes. “Well, as they’re all frozen can we take their stuff?” enquired Losco. “What’s wrong with you?” asked Ellesmere, “This is a seriously fucked up situation right here and all you can think about is lining your wallet, we have to find out how to fix this.” A pained look crossed Alexis’ face, the sort of look that passes over the faces of those that try to teach people with no hands to play the accordion, “I hope you’re not suggesting that we read through the whole damned library to find the answer, coz there’s no chance of that happening mister – not without some more drink”.
Thanks for reading it, please leave some feedback in the comments section
CraigE
Well so ends another chance for me to be happy (well actually it was more than a few days ago), and my inability to form a long term relationship with a member of the opposite sex has once more become apparent. I’m beginning to feel that my brother is right about me and that I’ll never be able to have a long term relationship, seeing as this marks the end of the third time of asking and I’m yet to celebrate an anniversary – in fact all three of my previous relationships don’t even add up to twelve months when combined. Although 2/3 were not my fault, with one deciding that I wasn’t her type so to speak and the latest having feelings for an ex – saying that, one was definitely my fault. After these three failures and having my affections toyed with over the course of a summer, I find myself somewhat disjointed and apathetic towards people in general.
Although some may be sympatric/pitiful towards me concerning how the latest one ended, there is no need. Nor is there need to say horrible things about a person you’ve never met in order to make me feel better (just encase you thinking about it), because I’m happy for her and wish her only the best. Although having to live with her after this has proven tricky, because having to see a girl that I still love every single day can be somewhat heartbreaking and potentially dangerous, what with my recently rediscovered love of hardline alcoholic beverages could prove to be harmful to both my liver and my wallet – a bottle of whiskey costing me £21, oh what crazy times we live in. It can also be damaging my mind because of the lack of sleep I’ve had recently, been just lying there thinking about all the things that I may have done better (trust me there’s a fair few, I’m no model boyfriend), but in end she’d have figured out how she felt about her ex eventually – at least it wasn’t a year down the line. At least because he’s back in her hometown I don’t have to hear her through the wall, unlike last time I wrote a personal post. My chief concern right now concerning all this is that she might be leaving university and that would mean I’d lose one of the best and only friends that I have left.
Can’t help but feel like I’ve massively upset people somehow, especially the people back home. Except from a couple of Twitter based comments and two Windows Live conversations, I’ve had almost zero contact with any of my friends back in Essex. Considering that I only went out with them twice over the six week winter vacation, I can’t help but feel like I’ve offending someone – like a person vomiting on the shoes of the Queen. There are a couple of people that I’m not even sure are still amongst the living, with my attempts to regain contact going either unheeded or simply unnoticed. This has made me paranoid about the possibility that something damaging about my character may have come to light without me knowing and thus causing my near total ostracization by the group. It’s a similar story further north in Sheffield, although I’ve never really had many friends during my second university attempt. Most of the friends I did have either graduated or are out on placement and I have no real way of contacting the remaining couple.
I thought I’d write this post now, seeing as that most horrible of days is lurking over the horizon like a certain type of person lurks outside a playschool. Of course I mean Valentines Day, I’m sure that man was murdered horribly so I guess it successful sums up my feelings towards the day. My dislike towards February 14th steams from the fact that only 4% (yes I did the math) of the February 14th that I’ve lived through have seen me with another person, thats a solitary one year out of a possible twenty one.
Right now that I’ve successfully put off anyone ever wanting to go out with me again, or be a friend for that matter, I’m going to vanish into the night – or at least vanish into this bottle of whiskey.
CraigE
This has nothing to do with the comedy of the same name, the title was the first thing that came to mind when trying to name a post based around the mockery of car adverts. The two car adverts in question this time are those of the new Volkswagen Golf and the Volvo C-30, both of these ads have left me with a sense of confusion. Let me clarify that, the adverts for these particular seem to have been masterminded by marketing teams that had a dislike for both the car makers as a whole.
The VW Golf advert’s tagline states: “Why drive something like a Golf, when you can drive a Golf?”, so what about the VW Scirocco then? Although the cars are classified as a ‘Hot’ Hatchback and a Sports Saloon respectively, the two cars are very similar in appearance and specifications. So if you want to drive a Golf and not something like a Golf then the Scirocco is out of bounds for you I’m afraid. This seems to be against the good form of VW advertising, with there smart adverts rather than the loud non-sensical madness that other car firms offer up – notably Honda. This good history was explored during a fairly recent episode of Top Gear, when the guys tired to make an advert for the VW Scirocco – of course this attempt was up to the usual Top Gear high standards.
(Pictures of the VW Golf and VW Scirocco, in order to show their similarity)
Now for the madness of the Volvo C30 advert, and in fact the adverts for the other latest models for Volvo cars, with there great tagline: “There’s more to life than a Volvo, that’s why you drive one”. That has to be one of the craziest taglines in marketing history, I just don’t know how this is supposed to portray a positive image for the company – especially in this day and age when most people don’t pay attention long enough to hear the whole line. “There’s more to life than a Volvo you say? Then I’ll spend my money and time on more worthwhile things then thankyou”. Although saying this the C30 does seems to be a nice car, but isn’t exactly the kind of car that appeals to me.
On a completely unrelated note, I’m planning to write my Geography dissertation around the subject of coastal defences of the future in the UK – if anyone by any chance knows some good sources of information send me a heads up.
CraigE
